Kiss
Puke
You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
i drank out of a bidet.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
