i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
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