like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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