Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
