My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
sex in a hospital.. check
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
