i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
