Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
