where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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