You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
