Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
You're a waste of cheezeits
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize