3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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