before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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