I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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