I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
