I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
