did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I did not marry a roomba.
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