Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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