You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
