apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
