when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
