She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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