Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
