she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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