he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
what is it with giant penises always finding me
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
