I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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