i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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