i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
