i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
