Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
you told grandpa to call you daddy
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
