Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
