wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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