Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Welp...herpes.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Randomize
