She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
