remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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