you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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