Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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