i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
my shit smells like andre
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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