Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
