i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
