So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
