yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
