U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
