This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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