There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Randomize