oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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