let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Lo siento on account of my penis...
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
