he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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