Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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