just tell him i said nine months
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Randomize
