hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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