Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
