I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
