Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
