he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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