We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize