Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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