WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
And the cops told us we were all naked.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize