Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
