Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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