"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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