I can text with my tongue
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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